A sad experience......

The past six weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me - and I am not sure I really know how to feel even now. I lost my baby - at 8 weeks along. I know I didn't know the sex of the baby, and we didn't have a name - but I was just far enough along that I was really getting excited. I was starting to imagine life with a sibling for Harrison, what we would need to do to the house to get ready for him/her, and even discussed some names.

On November 10th, something just didn't feel right. I got out my pregnancy book and realized the symptoms I was experiencing made a call to my doctor urgent. I went in that afternoon - and a heartbeat couldn't be found. Because it was after hours and the radiology department had already gone home and turned off a high-powered ultrasound machine - I had to wait until Monday to come back in for a follow-up appointment.

At that appointment - the technician took what seemed like a million pictures - and didn't say much. I knew. I knew we wouldn't see a heartbeat - and I started to cry. Jordan was there holding my hand - I knew he was devastated too. He is such a wonderful father to Harrison - and was so excited to have another little one in our home.

The doctor gave me some medicine to take to speed the process of emptying the uterus, but by the time I got home the pain and bleeding had begun. I had no idea it would be so painful. It felt exactly like labor except the pain was constant (no relief between contractions like labor). It was scary. The bleeding was so incredibly heavy - at times I actually feared something was terribly wrong. The pain lessened during the night - but began again full force in the morning. The day was long and miserable - but once again at night I was able to sleep. The next morning - the same thing. Pain so severe I could do nothing but curl up on my bed and cry. By that evening the majority of the pain was gone - but I continued to bleed for two more weeks.

By thanksgiving everything seemed to be over - but I was having strange pains. Not cramps - something different. I went in to the doctor after we got home from Rexburg - and the ultrasound showed that there was still tissue in my uterus that needed to come out. Because I hadn't taken the pills the first time because the miscarriage started on its own - I still had them at home.

As I drove home I couldn't hold back the tears. I don't think they were from thinking about losing the baby but rather from thinking about the process and going through it all again. I was so scared to have the pain again. I have had friends tell me about miscarriages before - and they didn't even know they had one, or that it was painless, or minimal pain. I obviously had a VERY different experience than they did - and I was terrified to do it again.

The bleeding began again the next day - with only a fraction of the pain - and lasted for another two weeks. So, after six weeks, I can finally say that this experience is finally over. I have cried so many tears, and thought too many times about the little one that I will not get to raise here on earth, and my heart is heavy. It makes me hesitant to try to have another baby - but I know I want to - I am just scared. Through it all I just had to keep reminding myself of what a blessing Harrison is in my life. I know there are many women in the world who cannot have children, or who have had multiple miscarriages - and I am blessed to have had him - even if for some reason he is the only one I ever have. Jordan has been wonderful through all of this - I know he is just as sad as I am. He is so very supportive and loving - I really can't imagine a better husband - what a blessing he is in my life at this time of heartache.